I am fairly certain that most of you at one time or another have encountered one or more of those whimsically humorous paintings from the fine series of poker playing dogs from the anthropomorphic imagination of Cassius Coolidge. These paintings feature a comfortably middle-class group of canines, dressed appropriately for the occasion in a dark poker den enjoying a rousing game of poker. Turns out they may not be so whimsical, but the poker players of whimsy are not our canine friends, they are poker playing primates. That ape icon of a player on your online poker site might be - an ape. Technological advancements of today include the IT company, Primate Programming Inc. Yes, they have taught primates how to play poker and win. Primates not only wield tools to improve their lives they wield cards.

Primate Programming Inc. has confirmed that the great apes (who share 97% of their DNA with us) make superbly efficient IT practitioners. The individuals (yes, apes) working for PPI are trained to offer their services to PPI clients. These employees were later discovered to be capable of learning to play online poker in their leisure time, displaying a particular penchant for no-limit Texas Hold’em.

No-limit poker appeals to these employees because of their natural bent for playful (and sometimes serious) displays of aggression. PPI tells us that is this quality that makes them outstanding bluffers. Aggressive bluffing in no-limit games allows the player to bet it all at any time. This rule of the game requires edgy, aggressive behavior and the rather rare skill to bluff.

Since online poker games are anonymous, this helps our poker playing primates. You cannot determine who is of the human persuasion versus the ape persuasion. The human types have actually lost thousands of dollars to a player who played the early rounds with betting very little money and showed lame cards on a regular basis then out of the blue bet big time, of course, everyone in the game called, and the big time better revealed aces. Our winner was undoubtedly jumping up and down and pounding his chest in glee.

The primate-players’ initial employment as computer programmers is not coincidental. It seems, according to PPI, that they independently develop programs which aide them during games. The nature of these programs has not yet been revealed. One thing is sure: “DrDestructo” and “ThePikerMan” could have a full-time professional (online) poker career, if only they wanted to. Outside the laboratory/office, they may neglect their training and prefer the old game of hurtling themselves at the bars of zoo cages and then grin their monkey grin at the startled adults and children. Still, as long as they are paid and fed regular, with bonuses, and are allowed to mate, David Sklansky and Ed Miller may need to update their No-limit Hold’em books in the nearest future.

Norm McAuliffe, a Yale Phd who is the scientist who lead the discovery of the apes-who-program study for the past few years, has been putting his money and efforts into PPI, employing his money-making primate players who play in shifts, 24 hours a day. They play for money of course. Dr. McAuliffe is justifiably proud of his business model and thoroughly committed to it.

Tags: Gambling

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